After five days of a seemingly ever-unfolding sex abuse scandal at Penn State University, Coach Joe Paterno has today announced his retirement at the end of this season.
A stunning and sorrowful end to a stellar career, it will be said many times in the coming weeks. On October 29, Joe Pa surpassed Eddie Robinson of Grambling to become the winningest coach in Division 1 history with 409 victories. Much will be made of the national championships, "Linebacker U", the myriad of players who went to the NFL during Joe's 46-year tenure. It is not my intention to participate in that litany.
I want to talk about how this scandal has affected me personally. I am a sex abuse survivor. Rarely in my life have I been so profoundly and painfully conflicted.
My mother married my stepfather in 1969, when I was not yet 4 years old. By my stepfather's own admission to me, he began molesting me at age 5. I personally doubt he waited that long. I can't believe that any molester would wait more than one year when they have such a prime, thick, juicy opportunity in front of them. He continued molesting me until at age 15 I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me or my mother again (he hit and verbally abused both of us, as well), I would kill him. He must have believed me, too, because his behavior, with alcohol and womanizing, spun out from that point on. It took my mother 16 months after my pronouncement to my stepfather to become fed up and throw him out. Their divorce was final in July, 1982, when I was 17.
At that point, I thought the nightmare was over, but I was to discover that 10+ years of abuse is not recovered from that easily. At 19, I began three years of psychotherapy, but my true therapeutic journey continues to this day, with hundreds of books and articles read on the topics of sexual abuse, spousal and child abuse, alcoholism, verbal abuse, marital rape, you name it. All of the things my mother and I went through in the 12 years she was married. I have spent countless hours watching movies, from 1984's groundbreaking "Something About Amelia" to anything "based on true events"; anything on Oprah or Donahue or the quality network talk shows; and of course, the radio talk shows everytime a fresh scandal breaks. Some of you may disagree and that's fine, but I consider myself as much or more of an expert as anyone who hangs up a shingle and/or has capital letters after their name.
And then there's my love for Penn State. In 1977, I saw the movie, "Something For Joey", starring Geraldine Page, Gerald S. O'Loughlin, Marc Singer, and Jeff Lynas. It tells the story of the bond between 1973 Heisman Trophy winner John Cappelletti and his younger brother, Joey, a leukemia victim. The message of the movie was how family, team, and the illness of his beloved brother strengthened and inspired John, how they made him so much more than he might have been otherwise. In the movie, you see a Coach Paterno who allows the effervescent Joey access to the Penn State locker room, who visits the Cappelletti home bearing gifts and sharing a meal. Already a proud Steeler fan, I must have been looking for a college team to root for, because after the movie, which she did not at that time see, I grilled my mother about Coach Paterno. "Well, all I know is he makes his students carry a certain GPA, and if they don't, he benches them till they do. That's what he did to Franco Harris's brother. He said, 'You're here to get a degree and prepare for the world out there. Football comes second. You gotta think about what you're gonna do the rest of your life after football or if there is no football.' He's got his standards," was Mother's summation.
Hmmm, I thought, well then that's my kinda coach, and the Penn State I saw portrayed in SFJ was my kinda team. And for some 34 years, that's the way it was. I would shut down any criticism of PSU or Joe, (especially recently as his age has encroached and he no longer prowls the sidelines or chases down refs, and some say the game has passed him by), with shouts of "WE ARE, PENN STATE!" and "GO GO PATERNO!" (Second one's catchy, huh? It's my invention, for what that's worth now). I was kind of excited because the Nittany Lions were contending for the Big Ten title this year with only one loss, and this without a clear-cut starting QB most of the year.
I didn't even hear the news right away because I worked all weekend, and I live with a 73-year-old who refuses to watch the news anymore since WTAE unceremoniously dumped her favorite chief meteorologist a few months back, but when I did, it was like being on a bus that's cruisin' along on the PA Turnpike at 65 MPH, and then suddenly hits the brakes. WTF!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! AT PENN STATE?!
And so the story has raged on like an out-of-control forest fire since I found out about it late Sunday. I've watched, by turns numb, glum, and agonized. Opinions are legion, and varied, on who should receive what punishments, and when, and what the legacy of this coach and his football program should be, and how Penn State goes on from here. Some of those things will be settled by the courts, some by history, and some of it really doesn't amount to a hill of crap, in the scheme of things.
As my mother said in our conversation about it today, "It's sad that Joe has to go out this way after all these years, but he made his decision about how to proceed, and he made the wrong decision and these things happen when we make the wrong decisions sometimes." Amen. I would add that I hope that the extent of this scandal is not so deep and ugly that Joe's 46 years of contributions not only to Penn State University, but also the town of State College, aren't totally dismissed and forgotten. Joe Pa put State College on the map. Period.
(As I write this, a crawl across the screen of WPXI, the NBC affiliate in Pittsburgh, has revealed that both Joe Paterno and university President Graham Spanier have been fired, joining Tim Curley and Gary Schultz as those who have lost their jobs over this scandal). Okay, what about Assistant Coach Mike McQueary, who witnessed the alleged incident with Sandusky and the 10-year-old boy in the shower, and reported it to Paterno, but never to the police? Shouldn't he go, as well, if we are to be fair and consistent?
A stunning and sorrowful end to a stellar career, it will be said many times in the coming weeks. On October 29, Joe Pa surpassed Eddie Robinson of Grambling to become the winningest coach in Division 1 history with 409 victories. Much will be made of the national championships, "Linebacker U", the myriad of players who went to the NFL during Joe's 46-year tenure. It is not my intention to participate in that litany.
I want to talk about how this scandal has affected me personally. I am a sex abuse survivor. Rarely in my life have I been so profoundly and painfully conflicted.
My mother married my stepfather in 1969, when I was not yet 4 years old. By my stepfather's own admission to me, he began molesting me at age 5. I personally doubt he waited that long. I can't believe that any molester would wait more than one year when they have such a prime, thick, juicy opportunity in front of them. He continued molesting me until at age 15 I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me or my mother again (he hit and verbally abused both of us, as well), I would kill him. He must have believed me, too, because his behavior, with alcohol and womanizing, spun out from that point on. It took my mother 16 months after my pronouncement to my stepfather to become fed up and throw him out. Their divorce was final in July, 1982, when I was 17.
At that point, I thought the nightmare was over, but I was to discover that 10+ years of abuse is not recovered from that easily. At 19, I began three years of psychotherapy, but my true therapeutic journey continues to this day, with hundreds of books and articles read on the topics of sexual abuse, spousal and child abuse, alcoholism, verbal abuse, marital rape, you name it. All of the things my mother and I went through in the 12 years she was married. I have spent countless hours watching movies, from 1984's groundbreaking "Something About Amelia" to anything "based on true events"; anything on Oprah or Donahue or the quality network talk shows; and of course, the radio talk shows everytime a fresh scandal breaks. Some of you may disagree and that's fine, but I consider myself as much or more of an expert as anyone who hangs up a shingle and/or has capital letters after their name.
And then there's my love for Penn State. In 1977, I saw the movie, "Something For Joey", starring Geraldine Page, Gerald S. O'Loughlin, Marc Singer, and Jeff Lynas. It tells the story of the bond between 1973 Heisman Trophy winner John Cappelletti and his younger brother, Joey, a leukemia victim. The message of the movie was how family, team, and the illness of his beloved brother strengthened and inspired John, how they made him so much more than he might have been otherwise. In the movie, you see a Coach Paterno who allows the effervescent Joey access to the Penn State locker room, who visits the Cappelletti home bearing gifts and sharing a meal. Already a proud Steeler fan, I must have been looking for a college team to root for, because after the movie, which she did not at that time see, I grilled my mother about Coach Paterno. "Well, all I know is he makes his students carry a certain GPA, and if they don't, he benches them till they do. That's what he did to Franco Harris's brother. He said, 'You're here to get a degree and prepare for the world out there. Football comes second. You gotta think about what you're gonna do the rest of your life after football or if there is no football.' He's got his standards," was Mother's summation.
Hmmm, I thought, well then that's my kinda coach, and the Penn State I saw portrayed in SFJ was my kinda team. And for some 34 years, that's the way it was. I would shut down any criticism of PSU or Joe, (especially recently as his age has encroached and he no longer prowls the sidelines or chases down refs, and some say the game has passed him by), with shouts of "WE ARE, PENN STATE!" and "GO GO PATERNO!" (Second one's catchy, huh? It's my invention, for what that's worth now). I was kind of excited because the Nittany Lions were contending for the Big Ten title this year with only one loss, and this without a clear-cut starting QB most of the year.
I didn't even hear the news right away because I worked all weekend, and I live with a 73-year-old who refuses to watch the news anymore since WTAE unceremoniously dumped her favorite chief meteorologist a few months back, but when I did, it was like being on a bus that's cruisin' along on the PA Turnpike at 65 MPH, and then suddenly hits the brakes. WTF!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! AT PENN STATE?!
And so the story has raged on like an out-of-control forest fire since I found out about it late Sunday. I've watched, by turns numb, glum, and agonized. Opinions are legion, and varied, on who should receive what punishments, and when, and what the legacy of this coach and his football program should be, and how Penn State goes on from here. Some of those things will be settled by the courts, some by history, and some of it really doesn't amount to a hill of crap, in the scheme of things.
As my mother said in our conversation about it today, "It's sad that Joe has to go out this way after all these years, but he made his decision about how to proceed, and he made the wrong decision and these things happen when we make the wrong decisions sometimes." Amen. I would add that I hope that the extent of this scandal is not so deep and ugly that Joe's 46 years of contributions not only to Penn State University, but also the town of State College, aren't totally dismissed and forgotten. Joe Pa put State College on the map. Period.
(As I write this, a crawl across the screen of WPXI, the NBC affiliate in Pittsburgh, has revealed that both Joe Paterno and university President Graham Spanier have been fired, joining Tim Curley and Gary Schultz as those who have lost their jobs over this scandal). Okay, what about Assistant Coach Mike McQueary, who witnessed the alleged incident with Sandusky and the 10-year-old boy in the shower, and reported it to Paterno, but never to the police? Shouldn't he go, as well, if we are to be fair and consistent?
I mentioned I was conflicted. Many of you are probably concluding my conflict is between my status as an abuse survivor and my love for Penn State. I admit that it's been alot harder to see this as black and white as I normally would. And I'm feeling quite betrayed because I believed in Joe Pa's "Success With Honor" mantra. But my real and profound conflict is with the society I live in. There was clearly a moral failing at Penn State, but I believe it is reflective of a larger moral failing in our society. We have worked together to bring about social change before; we are still capable of doing it, as our "Occupy" movement shows. Why not with sexual abuse? If we want to end sexual abuse in our world, we can. Why haven't we? While we point one finger at Paterno & Company, our other fingers point back to us.
As someone with a vested interest, I have been keeping track of child sex abuse scandals since the '80's. The sequence of events is predictable: 1. News of the scandal breaks. 2. The details come, "fast and furious". 3. The public reacts in a rabid rage, demanding justice, resignations, money, long jail terms, castration, even death. 4. Interest subsides, with perhaps a mild renewal when/if some semblance of justice is served. 5. Little, if any lasting change is accomplished.
"People get fired up because these situations serve as a mirror, reflecting where we are as a culture." Oprah Winfrey
We should desire punishment of those who are guilty of sacrificing the vulnerable to the powerful, and those who see and remain silent. What we are guilty of is stopping there, with a certain degree of...smugness? Laziness? Complacency? What we need to do is get up off our dead asses and work until this society no longer permits sexual abuse. Period.
Those of you who are parents and grandparents, ask yourself: Who are the sex offenders in your neighborhood? Don't have any? Yeah, right! Think again. Want the real answer? Go to http://familywatchdog.us or http://www.nsopw.gov -- follow the prompts and enter the pertinent information about where you live. Names of sex offenders in your area, complete with details of their offenses and pictures, will pop up for your inspection. Have an iPod or iPhone? Go to the App Store and search for "Sex Offenders". Available are about 12 apps. I use Sex Offender Lite, which is free and good, but there are nine free apps, and three pay apps, ranging in price from $.99-$3.99. What's $4 if keeps our kids safe?
Ask yourself: What behaviors might a molester manifest that differentiates him/her from someone who just likes kids? Do you know? Are you sure? Molesters like to "groom" their victims. Just what does it mean to "groom" a victim -- what behaviors constitute "grooming"? What kind of qualities and traits are molesters looking for when picking likely victims? Are most molesters strangers or known to their victims? (The vast, vast majority of molesters are known to their victims, through school; some activity the child is involved in; married to, dating, friends with, hired as babysitter by a parent; or a family member, which means you have an opportunity and a responsibility to run them through your filter). What changes might occur in your child's behavior to indicate he/she was molested? Do you know?
We all would like to think we would be able to identify a molester, we would all like to think we would know if our kid was molested -- our "radar" would tell us, but let me tell you, my mother lived with a child molester for twelve years, and he did and said some things that should have raised red flags as big as the moon, yet she swears up and down she didn't know. This has been the hardest thing I have ever tried to understand and forgive in my whole life and history with this very painful topic. Not the child molester, who, because I came to believe he was in the grip of a very powerful illness, I managed to forgive in about 8 years. But with my mother, the "healthy" one, who I have viewed at times as an enabler, that forgiveness is sometimes one step up and two steps back, while resentment toward her is kind of like a cancer, active or in remission depending upon other aspects of our relationship at any given time.
My contention is that we rage and desire to punish so that we don't have to face our resposibility as a culture; and that there, but for the grace of God, go you and I. We'd all like to think if we were Joe, Tim, Gary, or Mike we would have gone to the police, but here's the truth: The average molester offends 100-300 times before the authorities ever become involved. Are you trying to tell me that these molesters are so good at invisibility that 99-299 times no one sees, hears, knows? Gimme a break. And while the offender negatively affects a victim for years, and perhaps a lifetime, on average, they receive mere months, and frequently no jail time at all! I wonder how frequently this knowledge affects the willingness of a potential witness to stick their neck out for a victim?
Do any of you know a sexual abuse victim? Are you supportive of their journey from victim to survivor? All too often, people aren't. Especially in the '80's, I was repeatedly told by friends and loved ones to "get over it', "quit making a mountain out of a molehill", "forget about it". But my heart told me that was not right for me, so alone and with no support, I soldiered on. It was a long, dark, cold and lonely road, but vindication came when I was able to help a few souls like myself, some of my detractors caught wind of that, and the criticism abruptly ceased.
Those of you who are parents and grandparents, ask yourself: Who are the sex offenders in your neighborhood? Don't have any? Yeah, right! Think again. Want the real answer? Go to http://familywatchdog.us or http://www.nsopw.gov -- follow the prompts and enter the pertinent information about where you live. Names of sex offenders in your area, complete with details of their offenses and pictures, will pop up for your inspection. Have an iPod or iPhone? Go to the App Store and search for "Sex Offenders". Available are about 12 apps. I use Sex Offender Lite, which is free and good, but there are nine free apps, and three pay apps, ranging in price from $.99-$3.99. What's $4 if keeps our kids safe?
Ask yourself: What behaviors might a molester manifest that differentiates him/her from someone who just likes kids? Do you know? Are you sure? Molesters like to "groom" their victims. Just what does it mean to "groom" a victim -- what behaviors constitute "grooming"? What kind of qualities and traits are molesters looking for when picking likely victims? Are most molesters strangers or known to their victims? (The vast, vast majority of molesters are known to their victims, through school; some activity the child is involved in; married to, dating, friends with, hired as babysitter by a parent; or a family member, which means you have an opportunity and a responsibility to run them through your filter). What changes might occur in your child's behavior to indicate he/she was molested? Do you know?
We all would like to think we would be able to identify a molester, we would all like to think we would know if our kid was molested -- our "radar" would tell us, but let me tell you, my mother lived with a child molester for twelve years, and he did and said some things that should have raised red flags as big as the moon, yet she swears up and down she didn't know. This has been the hardest thing I have ever tried to understand and forgive in my whole life and history with this very painful topic. Not the child molester, who, because I came to believe he was in the grip of a very powerful illness, I managed to forgive in about 8 years. But with my mother, the "healthy" one, who I have viewed at times as an enabler, that forgiveness is sometimes one step up and two steps back, while resentment toward her is kind of like a cancer, active or in remission depending upon other aspects of our relationship at any given time.
My contention is that we rage and desire to punish so that we don't have to face our resposibility as a culture; and that there, but for the grace of God, go you and I. We'd all like to think if we were Joe, Tim, Gary, or Mike we would have gone to the police, but here's the truth: The average molester offends 100-300 times before the authorities ever become involved. Are you trying to tell me that these molesters are so good at invisibility that 99-299 times no one sees, hears, knows? Gimme a break. And while the offender negatively affects a victim for years, and perhaps a lifetime, on average, they receive mere months, and frequently no jail time at all! I wonder how frequently this knowledge affects the willingness of a potential witness to stick their neck out for a victim?
Do any of you know a sexual abuse victim? Are you supportive of their journey from victim to survivor? All too often, people aren't. Especially in the '80's, I was repeatedly told by friends and loved ones to "get over it', "quit making a mountain out of a molehill", "forget about it". But my heart told me that was not right for me, so alone and with no support, I soldiered on. It was a long, dark, cold and lonely road, but vindication came when I was able to help a few souls like myself, some of my detractors caught wind of that, and the criticism abruptly ceased.
I saw a clip on Oprah recently where she asked an abuser what he thought were the effects of his abuse on his victim, and he said, "I murdered who she might have been." That's exactly right. My stepfather murdered who I might have been, and I was left to mourn her death, then identify the woman who was in my body in her place, where she was hurting, stunted, and toxic, and honor, heal and re-vivify her. All of the movies, books, articles and talk shows were road maps, some of which turned out to be valid paths, some dead ends. Fortunately, I was blessed by God, and strong enough to ignore my detractors and honor and heed my inner voice. I have taken an unconventional path, and I have made many mistakes, and I have some regrets (who doesn't), but all in all, I'm pretty proud of who I am. But not everybody can do what I did, and nobody should ever be so damned alone, so for God's sake if you know a victim, don't be a detractor, please.
And the last challenge I want to give, moving on to the future: The human brain is largely still a vast frontier to medical science. Do you think a molester's brain, nervous system and biochemistry is like a non-molester's? Instead of the mating habits of the tsetse fly and other silly things the ninnies that represent us pick to spend our tax money researching, how about they make it part of a convicted molester's sentence to submit to (humane) research study? It would make at least one segment of the prison population useful to society. Can some of you get behind that and maybe start moving government and medical science in that direction? Think about it. Thank you.
Good vibes to all of you,
Claudia
