That lightning bolt, from Ali, employee of the Sunny Times Gas Station that shares the building with three busy Plaza concepts, shattered my hard-won Friday evening peace June 22. I had punched out ten minutes earlier after a hectic day at Coffee Paradise and was cruising the candy bars at Sunny Times and talking optimistic Pirate baseball (for a change) with Bill, another Sunny Times inmate.
"OMG, OMG, O...M...G....!!!!!!!"
I didn't say it out loud. I don't recall what I did say, but I remember that I strove to seem calm, to hide, as I am accustomed to doing, the worst of the disquieted chaos that frequently are my feelings surrounding this issue. My first instinct was to sink into the candy bars and cry, but with a smoothness accrued from years of practice, I made appropriate responses with some aplomb, desiring only to walk home slowly and absorb this complex and mostly happy news. The tears would come the next day, after I'd had a chance to process a bit.
When I got home, my mother had the news on and was all but bursting with joy at the verdict:
"I called you and left a message on your voicemail, did you get it?"
"No, but Ali filled me in."
I sat down to watch WTAE's coverage. Of particular note to me was the fact that the correspondents interviewed several families outside the courtroom who had come with their young children to await the verdict, seizing the opportunity to extract from this evil a teachable moment that might protect someone in this or some future generation. I am buoyed by the realization, that, though I am often discouraged by the ignorance surrounding this issue (despite the best efforts of many of us, including Oprah, and the rest of what I consider to be a pioneering generation) and the apathy of our society toward effecting any real and lasting change (reflected in the often pitiful response by the justice system), at least our comfort level with talking about sexual abuse, and disseminating it in sometimes exhaustive detail on TV, internet and social media has vastly increased, something I would never have dreamed of in 1984 when I first began to widely discuss my experience with sexual abuse.
The Freeh Report, released July 12, details the results gleaned after Judge Louis Freeh and his firm researched more than 3 MILLION documents pertaining to this case. Their findings reflect very badly on Tim Curley, Gary Schultz, Joe Paterno, and former PSU President Graham Spanier, as well as Penn State itself. (For those masochistic enough, as I am, to read through 267 pages, the Freeh report is available at http://www.thefreehreportonpsu.com ). On July 23, eleven days after the release of the Freeh report, the NCAA handed down its sanctions against Penn State: a $60 million fine, the vacating of 112 wins, a four-year post-season ban, a four-year football scholarship reduction, the athletic program on probation for five years. The Big Ten issued its own concurrent five-year probation for the athletic department, as well as a four-year ban on post-season play, not that Penn State has too much chance of post-season qualification for awhile anyway.
One bright spot is that money from the NCAA fine, as well as the Big Ten post-season ban, will be used to fund causes dedicated to preventing child abuse, assisting victims and the protection of children.
Well, of course, the was merely Phase 1. We still have legal proceedings against Schultz and Curley, both accused of perjury and failure to report suspected child abuse, to wade through. There is at least a possibility that more charges could be filed against Sandusky, as victims, including his adopted son, Matt, continue to come forward, unfurling allegations dating back to the late 70's. There's the new bio, Paterno, by Joe Posnanski, due out August 21, which may shed some new light on Paterno's role in this tragedy. There is always the vast possibility that, as more details come to light, Spanier could face charges and that the university could be sued. (Note, Friday, August 24th, this today from the Associated Press: Victim 1 is suing Penn State; "another Sandusky accuser has filed a federal lawsuit related to the scandal and a second victim has filed a court notice that he will file complaint." I rest my case). I predict this thing is a long way from over.
A long way from over for the victims, as well. The after-effects of child sexual abuse into adulthood are legion, and well-documented. Depression, suicide, substance abuse, eating disorders, sexual and reproductive system dysfunctions are just a few I can name off the top of my head. Girls who are sexually abused are more likely to marry/become involved with physically, sexually and verbally abusive men; boys are more likely to become abusers themselves. For a much more complete list of the costs of child sexual abuse to our society, check out D2L.org -- go to the tab on the top left "The Issue" and click on "Statistics" and "Economic Impact" in turn and you will learn plenty, believe me.
One of the more astonishing findings, even for me, is that childhood sexual abuse shrinks the hippocampus and the pre-frontal cortex, parts of the brain that deal with memory and stress responses. This explains why abuse memories can be locked away for many years, also why they can "pop up" often at unexpected and inopportune times. It also helps explain the tendency for victims to develop post-traumatic-stress-disorder (PTSD), and depression, and why those conditions are so resistant to treatment. The theory is that this shrinkage is caused by stress hormones released by the brain at the time of the abuse. Stress hormone levels can remain high for long periods of time after an incident of abuse, and if abuse is severe or frequent, high stress hormone levels can be constant. My guess is that scientists will find links to higher incidence of other conditions in survivors relating to stress hormone levels, such as obesity, heart disease, cancer, strokes, asthma, ulcers, and inflammatory bowel disease, among others. I'm only guessing this because high stress hormone levels are linked with these diseases in the public at large.
The most striking after-effects I've suffered are asthma, PTSD, depression, lack of trust in others, tending to expect/believe the worst in others, lack of respect for authority, obesity, and a feeling of isolation, of being different from others. Sometimes this difference takes the form of feeling superior -- "look at so-and-so, (s)he's whining about _____, imagine him/her being molested. (S)he'd never be able to handle it." Followed by a rather smug self-smile. (Yes, I know. I'm not proud of that, but I'm being honest. We're only as sick as our secrets, after all). But much of my feeling different is centered around watching others play The Mating Game. Oh, some people are very good at it. And I know that The Mating Game is difficult for a good many people who have never been molested. But trust me when I tell you being molested adds a much deeper shade of difficulty than anyone can imagine who has never been there. It is very difficult to conduct any kind of interpersonal relationship when you can't trust and you feel you must be in control all of the time, especially in intimate relationships. Often, I'm aware of it if I start trying to control other people, and I stop. But surprises? Spontaneity? Not much in Claudia's vocabulary. Flirting? Kinda scary unless I'm well acquainted with someone. It's hard for me, maybe for most survivors, to feel genuinely comfortable playing The Mating Game, doing that whole dance. It's a struggle, almost more of a struggle than it's worth sometimes. Trying to play can be very frustrating; the alternative is a steady dose of loneliness. It's hard to find a way to win.
It may be that my situation is more complicated than most. My abuser lived with me. (Strangers account for about 10% of abuse; acquaintances, 60%. About 30% of abusers are family members, not all of whom live with the ones they abuse, so those that live with their abusers are way in the minority). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sexual_abuse
I think it's very different when your abuser lives with you. When your abuser is someone you see only occasionally, you may have at least an illusion of safety; the abuser has occasional access -- you can prepare for their advent, perhaps find an excuse to be somewhere else or not to be alone with them. They definitely do not have the access to you that someone who lives with you does. When your molester lives with you, they have many more opportunities to be alone with you. You never know when they are going to victimize you; whenever you and they are at home, or together as often as someone who lives with you will be, you are fair game -- tell me that doesn't do something to a child's stress/fear level! You never feel safe. I once knew a woman who was bulimic. She had been raped -- and I know that being raped once is bad enough -- she wouldn't go to any beach at all, ever because she was raped on the beach. Imagine being molested in any and every room of your house -- do you think you would have flashbacks? What would just getting up everyday and living there feel like?
Also, my abuser was not just sexually abusive -- he was a controlling, physically and verbally abusive alcoholic. He was so controlling, he didn't allow my mother and me to listen to anything but the local country music station. Deviation from this rule earned ridicule, name-calling and the like. Watching my beloved Penguins was verboten. Once when my stepfather caught me watching them, he cursed me out, forbade me from watching them again because "only pussies and faggots play hockey" (!!!). When I was 11, my stepfather came home from a hunting trip. My mother and I had been at my aunt and uncle's house since the previous day, my dog had been alone in the house, and feeling abandoned, he had torn a softball-sized hole in our sofa. My stepfather beat the dog and kicked him, then while picking my mother and me up, bragged to my aunt, uncle and later my grandparents that he had "beat his ass and punted him like a football" down the cellar steps; then he kept him penned in the garage through a record-cold 1976-77 winter, where Rex's food and water frequently froze, forbade my mother and I from petting or playing with him, and when the dog didn't run away after a year of this, he took Rex up in the woods and shot him. This is the kind of abuser some of us must live with.
In all probability, the long road has just begun for Sandusky's victims. Based on my experience, it is my belief that this time is crucial for them. First of all, Sandusky was convicted of 45 counts. This was happy news to people like me because it means he's off the streets, he can't harm any child as long as we keep him there, which hopefully will be until his death. (In about a month, he will be sentenced, and we will know the answer to that). It is my hope that he is sentenced to the maximum for each count, not so much to send a message to potential child molesters -- I believe that they are in the grip of a disease that, in all probability, is aided and abetted by a biological/biochemical process that may be almost as irresistible as puberty or menopause. (More on that in a later post). No, I would like to see a long sentence for Jerry Sandusky in order to send the appropriate message to society.
Basically, the response of a survivor's loved ones during this time and for years to come will, in my experience and what I've seen in other survivor's lives, make or break the degree, speed, and quality of the survivor's recovery. Period. And our society has much to learn about how to support the survivor.
People have a fear and revulsion about sexual crime. Understandably so: Rape and molestation are very searing, intimate crimes that we all sense can do profound damage. We cannot, do not want to think of that kind of trauma. We want to shy away from it, avoid it, minimize it. We certainly don't want to think that someone has been an innocent victim of such a crime; if it could happen to them, it can happen to us, too. So if we find a way to blame the victim, we can convince ourselves it may have happened to them, but we would do this or that differently, so it would never happen to us. No one not elected for public office is second-guessed more than a sex-crime victim, from the advent of the crime, through prosecution (if that occurs), and recovery (if that occurs). And that is counter-productive and hideously wrong. I know, I've been there, and I can tell you that after being molested by the abuser, a survivor can wind up feeling raped by the justice system, and assaulted by his/her loved ones and some of their reactions. The aftermath can feel much worse than the abuse itself. A social worker I once discussed this topic with assured me that these reactions are "due to ignorance and not lack of love" on the loved ones' parts, but sometimes this is hard to believe or remember.
No matter what it takes, it is incumbent upon us as a society to work past these knee-jerk reactions if we are to help victims. The recovery of the victim, their transformation into survivor, and finally victor, depends upon our willingness and ability to put the victim and his/her recovery above our discomfort, to not second-guess or blame them for any action they took or failed to take during and immediately after their abuse, nor minimize their suffering during their recovery.
A couple of recent incidents at The Plaza remind me that, although we've come a long way with sexual abuse since I came of age, we still have a long way to go. It's very hard, painful and frustrating for me to watch victims fight the same battles I've been fighting for some 30 years. Sometimes it feels like we can never make enough headway, nor fast enough.
There is a man around 50 years old who comes to Coffee Paradise virtually every weekday. He used to come in, talk an overly long time with one particular young girl, ask her rather personal questions, ask about her when she wasn't there, and just generally acting in a way that made her uncomfortable, "creeping on her", the kids call it.
He never really quite crossed the line, you understand: he was known to exchange pleasantries with a few of us, but he didn't get that personal, ask about, or hang around anyone else. The young girl in question told me she felt uncomfortable, so I told her to report her feelings to the manager-in-charge (MIC). The MIC that day, a female in her late 50's, kind of blew off the girl's concerns, saying, "Oh, he's just from a time and a place where people want to know who's serving them. Alot of people that age from small towns are the same way." I told her I thought he was creepy and that I had only seen him behave that way with this one girl. She did not report the girl's concerns up the chain of command. I confess, being rather battle-worn and cynical about society's response to this issue, and having seen our company's lack of response to more mundane matters, that other than to comment privately to the MIC in question that I still thought this guy was trouble and the whole thing should be further pursued, the fact that the girl herself did not further pursue the situation at that time temporarily stifled me (and my own history, as well as the MIC's response, caused me to second-guess myself), and I didn't report the situation up the chain of command either. I won't be making that mistake again. However, several of us covered for the girl repeatedly when the guy came around, hiding her. And I made a point of unobtrusively bringing him to the attention of other MICs.
It took an incident a few months later on one of my days off to take matters to the next level. One of our college students was working with the girl one day when the man came in. The student, who had been away from Coffee Paradise at school for a few months, saw his strange behavior, heard the girl's tale, and, no shrinking violet she, called on the MIC, (a man a few years younger than me who doesn't work as many evening shifts and didn't know the situation), told him what was what and basically strongly requested action. The MIC (who is also The Plaza's assistant manager) went up the chain of command and was told to handle the situation. My understanding is that he spent more than an hour explaining to the customer that he was scaring the girl, why his behavior was inappropriate, and that he needed to tone it down or he would be barred from The Plaza.
What brought the whole thing to my attention again was that one day, about a week after his talking-to, I was on my break buying a Coffee Paradise fruit cup; the customer was ahead of me in line, but motioned me to go in front of him. He asked me the name of the MIC who had spoken to him. I gave him the name and he said, "Well, he was very mean to me the other day -- my feelings were hurt." I asked him what had happened. He told me basically he was told that the girl had been put off by some of his behavior and that he had been told to tone it down or take his business elsewhere. The MIC in question happened to be there that day, so I asked if he wanted to talk to him or another manager; he said no, but reiterated his feelings were hurt, so I told him I'd look into it.
While still on break, I was called to the office on another matter, so I mentioned the whole thing to the store manager, and between her and the MIC who had spoken to the guy, I got a portrait of a hour+ long conversation with a creeper who evidently played dumb as to why his behavior was upsetting the young girl, but did agree to tone it down. The MIC and I were both rather agape at the customer's narcissistic "hurt feelings" -- I said if it had been me, I'd have been rather embarrassed that I had upset anyone that much if my actions were innocent.
So, although management's response was appropriate, I wish I could say the same for some of our co-workers, many of whom acquired the opinion "he's harmless, he's not going to do anything wrong, (the young girl) just wants attention, she's making a mountain out of a molehill, she needs to shut up and get over it..." This even before the assistant manager had dealt with the situation.
Funny how people said the same thing about me after I suffered at least ten years of abuse a generation ago.
Funny, too, that some of her detractors had formerly protected her, warning her when he was in the building, and waiting on him so she wouldn't have to.
(The customer has since toned his behavior down and the young woman waits on him like any other customer. But those of us concerned are always on guard until he leaves the building).
I think I am most surprised and disappointed when a survivor makes a detractor-like comment. Not long after the NCAA's sanction announcement, I talked to a survivor friend who is another employee at Sunny Times. We usually agree on most things, especially in regards to this topic, so I was a little taken aback to hear her disapproval of the sanctions:
"They're punishing innocent people along with the guilty. Kids are gonna lose their scholarships, and they won't be able to play football. Those boys (the accusers) should have spoken up alot sooner and then most of this never would've happened. If people didn't listen, they should have just kept on telling people until someone did something," she fumed.
I think it goes without saying I was dumbfounded. Disappointed, angry, devastated. My friend Chris is notoriously fast on her feet. Adroit, clever, dryly amusing. Laugh-out-loud so, frequently. Sometimes quite cutting. Almost daily I wish for just a touch of her ability. This one time I'm glad I didn't have it. I would have lost a friend. I'm loquacious, articulate, especially in print. But when I'm upset, my Gemini silver tongue often fails me, and I stutter or fall tongue-tied. A thousand thoughts crowded my mind. If any kids were losing a spot on the team or a scholarship (which I was pretty sure was not true, but I didn't want to say that until I had investigated, in case I was wrong), what about all the thousands of students, employees and others who benefited all these years from an opulent football program that prospered on the backs of at least ten innocent abused boys? Punishment's unfair? That's a matter of opinion. But I believe the message Penn State and our society in general needs to receive here is to get our priorities in order. Football is not more important than education. And nothing is worth the sacrifice of one precious soul to abuse. Nothing!!
And innocent people besides the victims are routinely sacrificed in the area of sexual abuse because our society hasn't yet risen up righteous to rid itself of this evil. Those who have relationships with us, for example. Yes, some of them are informed beforehand and consent to enter into relationships with us. But I doubt that many of them would make that choice, if they truly knew what they were getting into. Our children, for another. They don't choose their parents. (One reason I chose not to have kids is because being molested changed the way I see the world. I see the world through the filter of ANYONE COULD BE A MOLESTER. I wasn't safe when I was a kid, how can I be sure I could keep my kid safe? I would not be able to stand having my kid resent me the way I resent my mother at times for failing to protect me). The punishment, if it was affecting scholarships, etc., I thought, simply symbolized the way things are in the larger world. If people are mad about that, they need to do their part to end sex abuse, then this will no longer be a problem.
But the remark about the accusers was the one that devastated me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, I thought. Those ten boys who hung in there together through spotlight-glare, death threats, and accusations of fortune-hunting are the reason Jerry Sandusky is no longer molesting boys. They and the jury who convicted Sandusky, and I feel that the NCAA and Big Ten gave a punishment that fit the crime.
It's fine to talk about disclosing abuse until someone takes action, but this case is alot more complex. For most of us, telling on the abuser is hard enough. They may have threatened us. They may be giving us goodies as part of the grooming process -- in this case there was access to the team, the university, going to big games, staying in nice hotels, the (non-sexual) attention of rich and influential men of the community. Adults have trouble deciding to give up benefits like these; you're asking a child to make a moral decision like that? (And in this case, underprivileged boys with few male role models). And these kids were probably well aware that dealing with a man the stature of Jerry Sandusky would involve court, publicity. Who would want that many people aware of their victimhood, wondering if they'd asked for it, questioning their sexual orientation, which frequently happens when boys are molested by other males. All of this in the spotlight, for the public record. Who among us is that brave? Probably not I. Maybe not 90% of us, even if we're capable at that age of making the moral decision of putting a creep away to protect others. Those boys are heroes.
(For more on why many victims don't report their abusers, see www.prevent-abuse-now.com/stats.htm/ . Scroll down to "Disclosures" and "Allegations", and there will be plenty for you to see).
Those and probably a thousand other thoughts bumped against each other in my head, screaming to be heard. I did articulate a few of them, not very well, but at least fairly quietly, considering my level of turmoil. Then I put in the rest of my day and went home very depressed that we're still fighting some of these battles.
(BTW: those at Penn State who are able to transfer out to another team can do so without penalty; those who can't will still be able to retain their scholarships -- I think my friend heard an erroneous news report about that).
In my previous post on this topic, I asked you not to be detractors. We need you to be supporters. After the molestation is over, victims start off at the Dead Sea, way below sea level, carrying hundreds of pounds of weight in the form of our pain, shame, fear, anger, betrayal and mistrust, which we must carry hiking a long path of healing in the dark and cold that leads to a place that's as high as Mount Everest. We may or may not have a map for this journey. Hopefully, we can drop the extra weight along the way, or at least at the end of the journey, but there are no guarantees. It's a long, hard and scary journey. Simply put, if you're not for us and with us, helping us on this journey, you're against us. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. If you're not a supporter, you're a detractor. Shut up, get out of the way, and let us make our journey in peace.
We must remember, if we're able to successfully complete the journey, we will stand at the top of the world.
